Small talk is challenging for extroverts and introverts alike. It can be exhausting. At times it may even seem pointless. But it is important, not only for interpersonal relationships but especially in business settings where building trust with colleagues and customers is key. 

Nobody wants to dive into the main purpose of a discussion immediately.  People need to warm up.  Just as you would preheat an oven before baking, people require preheating with small talk before getting into the main substance of a conversation, whether personal or professional.

That’s not to say that small talk itself should not be substantive.  In fact, it is far more effective when it includes a message or an engaging question.  You will impress nobody by talking about the weather.  The most important point though is to avoid business at first because bombarding someone without initially making a human connection does not build trust. 

In this article we go through 5 easy steps for how to make small talk.  With the holiday party season upon us, there is no better time to sharpen your small talking skills.  Although the need to engage in small talk is – for better or worse – something we face throughout the year.

1. Have Confidence and Ask Questions.

In social settings, or even video or phone calls, act confident even if you are not.  The best way to help boost your confidence is by asking questions.  It shifts the burden from you to the other person, giving yourself time to get comfortable if needed. 

In How to Work a Room, author Susan Roane calls this courage to converse chutzpah.  The classic usage for this term is gall, brazenness, or nerve.  The dictionary defines it as “supreme self confidence.”  Although pejorative in some contexts, when it comes to conversing, chutzpah is exactly what you need. 

It is natural to feel nervous or uneasy in certain social settings, especially those where we may not know anyone.  With chutzpah though, you are almost 80% of the way to conquering any setting simply by injecting confidence, telling yourself you can do it, and then taking the initiative.  

Not everyone you engage will reciprocate, but that’s fine.  Leave them to their negative energy.  The vast majority of people you engage in small talk will appreciate your efforts and be happy to answer questions.  In business settings, this confidence and willingness to engage in small talk is crucial to networking, which is one of the five best ways to get ahead at work.

People feed off confidence and enthusiasm. It’s contagious. So even if your confidence is superficial, act like you have it and channel chutzpah to engage in small talk.         

2. Adapt To Your Audience and Environment. 

Some call this transforming into a social chameleon.  It involves the personality construct of self-monitoring, which refers to the “desire and ability to monitor one’s own social behavior in order to adapt to a particular situation or person(s) with which you are interacting.”

This is key when making small talk because in order to build rapport and trust, you need to focus on topics that interest your audience.  They also must be appropriate for the environment.  You may want to avoid certain topics at work, for example.

One of the best ways of adapting to your audience is simple – call people by name.  This immediately shows someone you care.  It always amazes me how many people fail to simply acknowledge another person by name.  If you do not care about someone enough to take time to remember their name, forget about building any trust or having any relationship with them.

For those who struggle in the name department, pick something about the person and ascribe their name to it. That way, should you run into them again, it will be easier to recollect.  Make the effort and it will pay small talk dividends.

Apart from names, another great strategy for adapting to your audience and environment is preparation.  If you are going to a social event, for example, anticipate who will be there, what you will ask them, and what they might ask you.  A little preparation will mitigate surprises and help you stay in control.  It will boost your confidence by reducing uncertainty. 

Adapting to your audience and environment does not require you to act fake or phony.  You can still be your authentic self while trying to connect with the people around you.  Improving your social chameleon skills will make small talk much easier and natural. 

3. Act Like a Host.

Susan Roane also describes in her book, How to Work a Room, how “the best way to overcome self-consciousness is to concentrate on making others feel comfortable.”  So when engaging someone in small talk, act like a host.  Even if a social function or party is not yours to host, act like it is.  If your mindset focuses on making others feel comfortable, your comments and questions will reflect it.

Act like a host will also put you at ease.  It will shift any concerns you have about yourself in a social setting to concerns about other people.  By making other people feel comfortable, in effect you make yourself feel more comfortable as well.  Increased comfort will only help you have confidence and ask questions, and adapt to your audience and environment.    

4. Use Humor Where Appropriate. 

When people ask me now what I do for a living, I say that I’m the “Real Housedad of NYC.”  It’s true, but I’m really a stay-at-home dad.  When I provide a more sensational response though, I often get a laugh (or an eye roll).  Either way, it’s a genuine attempt to bring levity to small talk.

Humor is a powerful tool, but it must be used appropriately.  Context matters.  Self-deprecating humor is probably the safest form if you do not know the audience well or if you are in a professional environment.  Humor at someone else’s expense could easily offend.  So you need to use the tool wisely if using it to engage in small talk.

When used well, humor has a special way of bringing people together and establishing rapport.  It can calm a stressful situation and open doors to additional conversational topics.  Nobody likes someone who takes themselves too seriously.  Have fun.  People will be able to tell whether you’re enjoying yourself or not.    

5. Keep Moving. Get In and Get out.

People also do not like anyone too long-winded.  Self impose a 20 second rule for any small talk statement or response. If you go beyond that time limit and creep into monologue territory, you risk boring and/or annoying your audience.  Avoid dominating the conversation.  Nobody will want to talk with you again.

So get in and get out.  It’s called “small talk” and not “long talk” for a reason.  Ask some thoughtful questions tailored to your audience, and plan your escape.  Keep moving.  

These same rules apply to people you know.  You have failed the first step above if you stay in your comfort zone for an entire event or party.  Channel your inner chutzpah and get out there.  I promise you will be happy you did.